Punk Rock Articles | Bowling for Punk Rock

What can you say, it's Vegas. A town that wearies even the greatest of Titans in the sauce game. A 'Booze Olympics' if you will, with all the trappings of a Russ Myers and Fellini film wrapped into one big hazy 99-cent Jumbo Margarita.

High stakes Baccarat gambling? Libidinous exploits with budding starlets? Meth-induced rampages while brokering large land/water acquisitions? No, that wouldn't be very punk rock.

We go there to bowl.

That's right, as Fat Mike put it, "it's that magical time of year...bowling season." Amidst a maelstrom of bankrupt casinos and 500 drunks with nowhere to bowl, the Stern Brothers of BYO Records extracted a scarred, mohawked rabbit out of a filthy hat and pulled off the 6th annual Punk Rock Bowling Tournament in lovely Las Vegas, Nevada.

The original location, (damned to eternal penny slot hell) Castaways, declared bankruptcy and locked its doors only one week before 106 punk rock bowling teams (and their inevitable entourages) were scheduled to descend and begin busting pins in the 6th consecutive drunken barn dance we call the PRBT. With Pete's Richter-quality 63 pin meltdown and Patrick's penchant for lavish tropical vacations leaving him penniless, there was also much reconstruction in the team line up. The fate of the Church of Satan Youth Group was, well, obviously predictably drunk, but where and with whom that would occur wasn't entirely clear.

My man, Shawn Stern, however, had new rooms, lanes and (most importantly) drink specials lined up almost immediately. With an import from the Colorado Contingent, a.k.a. "The No Coast Death Squad" (Dynamic Don Selmarten and Tenacious Trevor Williamson), we had lodging, booze and bowling balls ready to represent to those West Coast folks that we can get drunk and bowl WITHOUT ocean views and smoke-free restaurants.

And that's exactly what we did.

Surrounding ourselves with the most amazing supporting cast in the history of punk rock bowling (?!?!?) - the incredibly lovely and talented North Side Harlots sister team (names withheld pending hearings regarding restraining orders and public mayhem) and their loyal and industrious intern, the incredibly booze talented (formerly 'Beer Bitch', freshly promoted to) The Glue - we set about completing a mission once only dreamed of...making it to the finals. Determined to capitalize on what can best be referred to as a 'vulgar' handicap, and a mountain of mountain talent, I limited myself to less than thirty tequilas a night, and drastically reduced my standard travel pharmaceutical intake to a tier that physicians would commonly call 'disturbing', as opposed to the usual 'imminently life threatening'.

The results were astounding. The Church entered the playoffs in an amazing SECOND PLACE, shutting down and bending over everyone from Lux Interior to that asshole who took too long with my drink. We entered Sunday's matches with a ferociousness and determination that would've readily defeated vast armies of Mongols without batting an eye. 'Game On' I say.

Then we got the shit kicked out of us by some 87-pound girl who we will forever be known as 'The Death Warrant'. She took out us, Cletus and Puke in some sort of mad bowling frenzy that led her team all the way to a strong victory and the glorious first place prize, 1500 bucks and a big bag of porn. Much respect to the Cereal Bowlers, I hope we were gracious in defeat. And for the record, the controversy regarding our use of bowling performance-enhancing drugs is merely a media conspiracy, and we'll never have the true results as the subsequent urinalysis mysteriously disappeared on its way to the lab.

Oh yeah, there were tons of great bands, pretty girls, cool folks, tacky animatronic wildlife and crazy, crazy times.

My favorites...

-Pin Breakers, Jersey Beaters and Church of Satan Youth Group all going to the playoffs for the first time, together.

-Lidia booking twelve hours at the Blackjack table, and leaving WAY UP.

-Phillip 'shutting down' Lux Interior and then persuading the cabbie to 'take these broads to the woods and kill them'. While in the middle of a desert.

-The North Side Harlots, the smoothest gals in town. Followed by the Strong Beach Bitches, my new adopted kids.

-A punk rock wedding under the waterfall, and growling animated bear/laser show. (No, really).

-Stephanie's early morning shopping for bacon sandwiches, and late-night shopping for room decorations.

-Losing my voice and having to throw down the 'EAT ME' napkin on foulmouthed yobs.

-A Psychotic team with infectious energy, and making friends instead of enemies out of everyone we bowled against ('Here Kitty Kitty'-you kids ROCK!)

-That I can be that gay and if you were there you'd understand

-Fat Mike is hopefully going to swing an election with and an upcoming tour.

-Shawn Stern pulled off a miracle

-Manic Hispanic was almost as cool as leaving the show with cash, PRBT door mats, cool evil Zippos, porn, and most important, A TROPHY

The Church of Satan Youth Group left for Vegas on the sixth to take sixth in the sixth annual tournament, bowling under the 666 rolling dice flag. Nothing could be more evil.

Except maybe eating infants - I'm off to breakfast...

I BOWL LIKE A GAY EIGHTH GRADER.

Friend of the Amputee