E-mail Mary Jane Marvel
Past Rantings and Ravings
01-19-11 Moving Back
11-03-09 The What? (a few years old)
02-11-09 30 years of Mondays
03-10-07 Happiness, Internet-Style
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| Happiness, Internet-Style |
Monday March 10, 2007, Mary Jane Marvel
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You get a fistful of magic beans every time you log on to the internet. Happiness can be yours for nothing more than a click of the mouse. Is there anything you can't do from the cushy comfort of your armchair?
Name a need.
Food? You can cruise the aisles of the grocery store, filling your cart with pork chops and apples. Gained a few pounds? Order some new jeans from the Gap. Broken toaster? Target or WalMart will mail you a new one within a few days. You can shop until you drop, using only your fingers and your credit card.
Lonely? Build up a posse of friends who share your interests, and communicate with them 24/7 on social websites like MySpace. Pick your next significant other from a vast range of heights, weights, ethnic backgrounds and hair colors on Match.com and similar dating arenas. When insomnia keeps you up at night, you can count friends instead of counting sheep.
Ready for a change? Find your dream job, right down to the location, salary and company size, on Career Builder and other job sites. Choose a dwelling that's the perfect size, price and style by perusing the MLS at Realtor.com. You can map out a new future for yourself, literally, using online maps like Mapquest.
That's right, plop your lazy ass down and get busy. You have needs to fill. And you can't be bothered to put on your clothes or brush your teeth.
Think of all the money you'll save. You won't have to drive a car and pay exorbitant gas prices. No more buying newspapers to scan the classified ads. You won't need to pay for dinner with friends or a night out on the town with a date.
You'll save time, too. Instead of driving around looking at apartments, you can spend more time trolling the 'net. Rather than trying on clothes, you can try on personas at a new networking site. Who wants to wait in a check-out line, when you can receive purchases at your door in your bathrobe?
But then reality sets in. The apples arrive bruised, the jeans are two sizes too small, the toaster burns your rye bread. Your MySpace friends can't gaze admiringly at you over a cup of coffee. Your perfect match lives 2,000 miles away and has no desire to relocate. The job of your dreams has 500 applicants, many of whom are willing to take a pay cut, and your dream home has a bunch of noisy rednecks living next door.
And you open your fist to discover that the magic beans are pipe dreams. You didn't really think life was that easy, did ya? What kind of an idiot would truly believe you could find happiness on the internet?
Wake up and smell the world's reek. People are hungry, lonely and unsatisfied. Life sucks, so get used to it.
And the beans? Stick them up your nose. Toss them out the window. It's up to you, Jack.
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