E-mail Mikey
Past Rantings and Ravings
04-28-09 Exit Stage Left...
10-01-07 Michael Donaldson aka Mikey Offender RIP
05-15-07 There is a god
04-20-07 Gun Check
04-02-07 Welcome new bloggers to MSIG
03-03-07 Anna Nicholes’
Corpse
01-23-07 Happy 2007! Go Bears!
11-01-06 Happy Samhain
10-31-06 Happy Halloween
09-19-06 man have we been
fucking up
08-10-06 I dreamed of Nuclear
War
07-31-06 Lame ass summer
06-12-06 Crash
06-06-06 666
04-26-06 Snow Job
04-25-06 Mikey found a gun!
04-24-06 So let me get this
straight?
03-29-06 Happy Belated Birthday
Buzz
03-24-06 Mock Scapegoat of
Immigrants in Government
03-14-06 Welcome CIA & DHS
02-14-06 Pot Meet Kettle!
01-24-06 ohhhhh, Cana-duh!
12-21-05 Happy Solstice
12-02-05 Moronic Simpleton
into Greed
11-21-05 Back in the Saddle
Again
11-09-05 Holy Shit !
09-29-05 Down the Drain
09-27-05 Hey Brown-Eye
09-07-05 Spin the Wheel
08-27-05 I want a five week
vacation
08-09-05 Moronic Simpletons
Into Gitmo
07-19-05 So what else is
new?
07-07-05 Apocalypse Now...
06-08-05 My Shit Is Green
05-20-05 My Stiffy Is Grand
05-09-05 Rock and Roll all
weekend.....
04-27-05 Can you say Flip-Flop??
04-19-05 OK, Let me get
this straight?
04-15-05 Just what the
Web needs... |
| My Shit Is Green |
06/08/05, Mikey Snot |
Please note this was originally dribbled down on my keyboard
on 5/27/05, but not uploaded to the site until 6/08/06. Work
and family matters prevented me from making my regular "un
regular" entries to this silly site's blog... So. without
further ado'.
MY SHIT IS GREEN
It is almost summer now and it is getting bloody hot out, which
means I am a wimp for hot weather. To most southerners, hot
has to be in the 100's. For me it is anything over 75 degrees.
I look at a picture of the sun and I start sweating. So with
the warm weather so goes my appetite for food. I could be starving
to death and would not know what to buy, order or "go to",
to fulfil this necessary bodily function... Oh great more "bodily
function" talk.
So I find myself eating a lot of crap. I like to cook and my
wife is awesome, she could make a meal out of whatever is the
fridge, but me, if there is no beer in the fridge I am lost
for words. "There isn't any food in the fridge, babe where
do you want to go." Is usually my first suggestion, or
ordering out, is always followed quickly as my wife shoots me
the "I've been gone all fucking day, you idiot" look.
So consequently I have been eating like, well shit. Yesterday,
I was reading a email and an issue of Nation at the same time,
don't ask me how or why but I do silly shit like that, but I
do. My son was playing in this room and was calling for some
"daddy time" so I was in a rush to do all at the same
time and I noticed a rumbling in my belly. Gurgle, blub, blub,
blerrrpppp. Oh, shit. Oh, here come a fart. Plop. Oh, no, what
the fuck. Wet fart. Hershey squirt deluxe. "Worlds biggest,
wettest bottom burp, Mikey Snot, Chicago Illinois, USA"
Right now I am thinking to myself, did you just shit in your
pants? I have never shit in my pants before so, this was new
to me. Except when I was a baby, and I could barely remember
what I did last week so.. I change wet, stinky diapers all day
so I have some experience in dealing with this, but in my own
pants. I start to reach down and I start feeling this slow,
dribble slinking down my leg. I had loose fitting boxers and
cargo shorts on, so there was nothing to stop it from dribbling.
I reach to my butt crack area and through my clothes I could
feel this wet goo on my hands that soaked through two layers
of cloth. My first reaction was to bring it up to my face and
"sniff" it. I kid you not, I fucking smelled my hand.
Must be some latent animal instinct that was handed down for
centuries from my cave family ancestors, but don't ask my why,
but I did. I am like "why are you sniffing it, YOU JUST
SHIT IN YOUR PANTS....!"
You fucking shit in your pants and your smelling it?????
So, I hold my pants as close to my butt as possible hoping it
doesn't drip out in my house. My son notices something is up,
as I limp, butt clenched through the kitchen past his room to
the bathroom with this silly look of embarrassment and grief
on my face. I quickly strip down and throw my shit dribbled
clothes into the shower and sit on the pot. It sounded like
a big swooshing sound that tons of water makes as it is splashed
down onto you at those water park places. After draining my
ballasts of all bodily fluids up to my stomach, I clean myself
up and start to throw the TP into the toilet and I look down.
Worrying to myself that I need depends at 39 years old and wondering
if this is it for me, then I look into the toilet and "BOOM"
there it is....
MY SHIT IS GREEN
My shit was green for two days worth of BM's, what the hell
did I eat to make my shit green... everything has been fine
since then. No Depends adult diapers, so far. Or green shit.
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